June 22, 2010

Deep Thoughts

I just really needed a laugh this evening so I looked up some "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey. It you haven't ever heard of this guy, he might be an acquired taste for you. Or you may not like his humor at all because it is a bit sardonic, sometimes morbid. But to me its always hilarious because of its absurdity. Here are a few of my favorite one-liners:

-If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason

-For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

-If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

- Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

-To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

- It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

-When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school, we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

-Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

-If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

-To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

-If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

-If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

-If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."


Colleen said...

Ha! I like the pirate one.

Nic said...

hahaha Those are so funny. Thanks for posting - I really needed a laugh today as well!

Kristina said...

I'd heard (watched?) some of those, but others were new. They were all funny. Thanks for sharing!

Kristina said...

And another good one is: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming like the passengers in his car."

Aleta said...

I love the Sears Tower/free dummy one, and Bryan and I like to quote the "sorry got these sacks" one. I totally love Deep Thoughts (I have all the books) - they can totally change your mood because they're so silly :) Another favorite of mine is the one about a knife in the side of a jack-o-latern w/ a note that says "you". "After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done". So funny! I'll have to go read thru some of the books :)

Jessie said...

HA! Always been a fan.

"My favorite uncle was my Uncle Caveman. We called him 'Uncle Caveman' because he lived in a cave, and every once in awhile he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear."