Remembering Mikel

January 1st will mark exactly a year since Mikel passed away. I won't sugar coat it. Getting used to life without her is difficult. Particularly because Mikel was my closest sibling - just 3 years older than me. She is in most of my childhood memories. Sometimes in the tough moments I have asked myself, "Why does it still hurt so much? Why can't I 'let go' and just take solace in knowing I will someday see her again?" Well, one night when Nick was busy with homework I came across this little gem of knowledge that put things in perspective. It's from "True to the Faith" Gospel Resource. In talking about the pain from losing a loved one it says: "It is natural to feel sorrow...in fact, mourning is one of the deepest expressions of love. The Lord said, 'Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die' (D&C 42:45). The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" (I bolded and italicized that last part).

Wow. After reading that I realized grieving Mikel's death won't just end one day, it will be a life- long process. Sure, getting used to new kind of "normal" will slowly get easier over the years. But I am never going to stop loving my sister...therefore I will never stop missing her or wishing so badly I could see her just for a moment. Those few sentences made me understand and not be afraid of all the little moments of sadness and pain I've experienced this past year. It's not that I can't let go, my tears are just one way of expressing my deep love for her.

But how grateful I am for memories. I've always loved the quote, “God gave us memories that we might have June roses in the December of our lives.” Mikel gave our family some wonderful memories of laughter and joy that we are always going to be able to draw upon through the years. While flipping through the channels last week, I stopped on the movie "The Music Man" and instantly became glued to the television. This was a favorite childhood movie for me, Mikel, and my brother Tim. On one part in particular I just burst out laughing because I could vividly remember rewinding it (yes, on the archaic VCR) over and over again with Mikel and laughing so hard that our stomachs hurt. Nick walked into the room shortly after the scene and said, "You've had a huge smile during this whole movie." Yep, that's what Mikel is great at doing - putting a smile on your face.

I wanted to end this post with the poem my mom shared at her funeral services. It still brings tears to my eyes but it's a sweet reminder during these tough days that I need to focus on Mikel's life and the legacy of love she left behind.

Weep not for me though I am gone into that gentle night.

Grieve if you will, but not for long upon my soul's sweet flight.

I am at peace, my soul's at rest

There is no need for tears.

For with your love I was so blessed.

For all those many years.

There is no pain, I suffer not,

The fear now all is gone.

Put now these things out of your thoughts,

In your memory I live on.

Remember not my fight for breath

Remember not the strife.

Please do not dwell upon my death,

But celebrate my life.